/ NDX / RCHVS / GSTBK /

NOTES / JRNL / HST / E-ML /

05.11.05 @ 10:14 PM
PRV / NXT

talking, yelling mutes on the back of the bus waving their hands
in the afternoon
cutting through the air with their fingers and their eyes widening
movements bound in fury
i'm reading the perks again, killing time after school
getting bubbletea and trying to.
trying to forget you

walking out on the street past tandoori restaurants
it's just past nine and the sun set
i'm standing in bare legs talking to this girl
she's sucking a cigarette down to the filter
talking about the girl who had a baby
teenaged mothers
talking about the kids who died
on the p.a. system at school they go,
"he had so much ahead of him"

staring wide-eyed outside at the clouds sliding past
one of those picture shows,
those massive bodies of grey turning until they blend smooth
falling asleep wondering when
the last time i saw my father kiss my mother was
those heartwrenching moments i can't even remember
can't even remember childhood pain
falling asleep wishing i was born into a different decade
so sick of this generation where i'm talking to emad
talking to anyone, really
and they're saying "they got boring too fast"
saying this about sniffing crushed painkillers
how attention span is so short
with all those high tension flashng scene changes in movie trailers.
instead i want to fall asleep before the needle lefts from the record

weights down so you can move forwards

it's gotta be those chainsaws working at my veins
gotta be those miniscule shards of glass caught into my bloodstream
gotta be half moon indentations in my paims, fingernails clenched
gotta be skin that keeps breaking open no matter what
gotta be that before i can feel anything out of this
can't get things straight without a tragedy

the smell of cut grass drifts through the open windows
if i had you would we even hold on
or are we just gonna cut the anchors, float up
i used to think i'd be happier as a fish in the ocean
breathing in lungfuls of salt water, cooling down my pounding heart
my stupid heart that won't quit

the houses face the sun and the dandelions are still closed when i get to school
staring at the mirror sometimes with quiet songs playing
my skin all blue with all the lights in the house off
this is when none of it seems real anymore

i want to tell you these things sometimes, but you wouldn't even understand
if you run, i'll go faster in the other direction
i don't even know how to end this
i guess i'm not putting closes on anything these days
leaving it halfway done with a bad taste in your mouth.

(if i could i'd pack my bags tonight and leave this all behind and put distance between me and all the people i've ever known just to end up in a dusty town. drinking coffee for the first time in a few months and staying quiet while the waitress looks at me all sad, says "here ya go hun", putting down a plate of pancakes. being friends with the tumbleweeds. it'll hurt at first because it'll be really lonely and i'll have to watch the sun go down in an empty horizon all alone, and maybe i'll try calling a few people up. but time kills off hurt, right

cuz all i am really good at is leaving people behind.)